Everyone knows a strongly worded letter can get stuff done, but what would a strongly worded letter do on NGU? Well, let's find out.
[multipage=Original Letter - from Relevant]
To Whom it May Concern,
On the 24th of May, I wrote a suggestion, and I am yet to receive any feedback. I believe I expressed a number of real concerns which you have not yet addressed. In case my previous thread was lost to the interwebs, I will repeat my concerns here, and I trust that this thread will reach the admins in good time.
On a number of occasions I have been treated to severely substandard treatment by your so-called 'members'. Rudeness, inflexibility, laziness and low-intelligence are words which come to mind. When I confront moderators or supermoderators about my concerns, my compaints are dismissed off-handedly, without fail. I emplore you to reassess your selecting and training schemes.
Thank you for reading this thread. I look forward to your prompt reply.
Please accept our heartfelt apologies in not responding sooner. We trust you appreciate that we are busy looking up gay porn, and that the majority of our time is spent in seeking to maintain our excellent position within the community. This includes good moderator-member relations.
Whilst we cannot at this time speak with any specifics about your individual case, we would like to assure you that we are doing everything within our powers to ensure the smooth running of site and maintain the goodwill of the general public.
With regards to our moderator selection program, we adhere to Outsider's regulations, ensuring that our numbers meet with the statutory representation of cultural, religious and ethnic minorities, power mad ego maniacs and morons in reflective representation of the site.
ENZO-F's Note: Admins, you're all fired.
Dear Mr. ******
You Sir, having never raped a koala bear, cannot possibly know what that's like, can you? And so can we hardly imagine a scenario which would not also render you a veritable buffoon, incapable of reasoning beyond a most basic, simian level. This is not, at present, our intent.
While we appreciate your more than apt demonstration that you are at least capable of the fundamentals of human interaction, i.e. your complaint, we would also beg to differ as to whether it also entitles you to basic Human Rights, i.e. a "prompt reply". If I may be frank, prompt for a wo/man such as yourself, if it is indeed proven, is quite likely remarkably different than the definition that we here at NGU hold. Without implying that you are, simpering morons tend to have differentiating definitions. As an alleged idiot, you might control merely a fraction of the brain power that a person such as myself wields.
This is not to say, Ma'am/Sir, that we do not consider ourselves somewhat responsible in the matter. You said, quote: "When I confront moderators or supermoderators about my concerns, my compaints are dismissed off-handedly, without fail."
Rest assured, Relevant, that Consistency is a key goal with NGU. The Administrators who replied to your first letter have been fired, precisely for trampling upon that goal. Had they not been so rash as to assume, without any attempt at verification, that you were a sane, normal individual (and thus worthy of reply), and not merely a gibbering retard, I would never have been forced into the mindless tedium of responding to you a second time.
While we always encourage our members to correspond with us in the event of problems, we would strongly discourage you from further communications while you are under Suspicion Of Utter Boobery.
Dear Relevant and ENZO-F,
Kindly accept my apologies. I have been vacationing in the Bahamas, while your pathetic issues have grown into one giant insurmountable problem. That’s correct, I was living it up sipping margaritas and flirting with the bikini-clad tourists.
Furthermore, I find it difficult to comprehend anything is more important than contemplating the comparison of Keira Knightley in a white corset and Kate Beckinsale in a black one. If you truly have a problem, please take the time to rethink your position and possibly reword your complaint so that it is more understandable.
It really helps if you can specify exactly what your problem is, rather than typing angrily at our baffling code-monkey operator. But please don't tell us who you think is at fault, as we already know.
Feel free to contact me anytime,
I am sorry to hear about your mother being a koala. that must have been tough at school, but we ask that you do not project your mental anguish carried through all these long years onto us. We understand that you might be a sensitive twat, but we do not entirely care.
Concerning your initial concerns however, to commit myself to any remedial actions ("remedial" to your view of what might be incorrect) would be a direct attack on the staff of the established administrative system that is firmly in place. Now, you do not want to upset that little deck of cards and find yourself buried, do you Relevant?
Let it be said that anyone who has ever disturbed this deck of cards before has found themselves severely lacking in bamboo. Let it be reminded that a koala has an inate fondness for bamboo, (adapted with cross-breeding from the panda) and though you might not be all kaola, you are a sensitive twat. (Sensitive twats find any lack to be disadvantageous.) Twat.
Feel free to ask any rhetorical questions,
We apologize for the inconvenience of inconveniencing you at an inconvenient time in your pupal stage. Please, rest assured that, while we are busy engaging each other on several entertaining levels and do not have the time to adequately dissect your gripes at this time, we have forwarded your complaints (spelling errors and all) to the administrators of a more prestigious and litigious site - PV Hax. Be confident that, in the interests of justice, bureaucracy shall prevail. Please allow 2-4 weeks for the delivery of your arbitration, as it is hand-crafted by nobles and inspected by supple geishas.
In the meantime, please accept this offer of peace. Enclosed is a picture of something my missus drew during our car trip to London last weekend. It isn't much, but it has inspired me to write an avant-garde play called "Pearl: I, They, Contributory." I would formally like to invite you to a barbeque next month, so that we may discuss the possibility of you auditioning for a conditional supplementary walk-on role as a stagehand during its third night production. I will interpret your reading this in disbelief as an official decision to attend the screening of my outdoor play to be shown this August in Liverpool. Dress appropriately - it should be hot as hell, just like my play.
[multipage= David Hasselhoff's Response]
Enclosed is my resonse.